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I was weird: into books, writing, big ideas and sad movies. I met someone in the midst of finding my voice on the page: I fell in love with my teacher. There was something about his eyes, his words, which reached right into the heart of me and made my pain and beauty feel witnessed. He didn’t know how white women followed me around in stores, or how people judged me on the street. But he got the heart of me: that sometimes I stare off in the distance thinking about my mother’s small hands, or how much I miss my grandmother’s smell. I cry when I read about another Indian girl going missing, and that’s something. My son’s hair is light brown and his eyes are a special type of gray, still trying to decide what they are.He was hapless, a thinker, goofy, with a big head like mine and a ton of weird interests, but he was white. It was profound, and everything I could hope for in a man, but the problem was he wasn’t Native. I finally understand my sister’s struggle when she’d take her mixed children shopping, and people mistook her for the kid’s maid. But my sons aren’t any less loveable for being mixed, and while one is darker than the other, both of them will have a right to sing the songs of my nation and stand with me in honor.After 26 years as a Black queer man and two separate 2.5-year relationships with white men, 2015 is the year I have decided to stop dating white men indefinitely.While my personal decision not to date white men is the direct result of dating white men, the decision is rooted less in my experience with the individuals I dated and more in my experience with society.But surprisingly I fell in love with a white man, with dusty blond hair and blue eyes. We were subject to exploitation, objectification, and degradation at the hands of white people.

” Against my better judgment, I assumed that the wingman just wasn’t very good at his job and started talking to his friend anyway.When my sister’s dates pulled into our driveway my mother would yell, “Here comes Honky! Land rights, healthcare, housing, and assistance all deal with blood quantum and how Indian one is ‘officially.’ Besides that, marrying Native was always what I dreamed of.” My sister was always livid, embarrassed, but still, she went out with white men most of her adult life. I thought someday my Indian prince would come: the son of an activist in braids, with a mind full of theory and a stoic wisdom. For generations Native women could not govern their own bodies, because white men and officials dictated we were their wards.He kept touching my hair without my consent, was legitimately disappointed that I could not twerk, and called me “sassy” whenever I voiced an opinion that was different from his.Unfortunately, that wasn’t the first or last awkward date I’ve had with a white man.

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